Can't Hurt, Might Help

The iPhone Really Isn't All That Sexy

2010-08-12T05:46:00.000-04:00

Image by MacQ via Flickr

A fun little data-mining report from online dating site OkCupid is making the rounds in a viral fashion (the only kind of viral activity you want from a dating site). The report highlights a number of fun facts, based on analysis of picture file data and hundreds of thousands of "Who would you date?" picture comparisons.

You're more likely to look attractive in a dating-service photograph if you:

Use a real camera instead of a cell phone
Limit your use of flash, or do it right with indirect lighting
Learn how to control f-stop settings and depth of field


Kodak EasyShare snappers come across as a particularly bad choice of camera, possibly because the low-cost, low-feature combination attracts customers who don't know much about photography technique. Panasonic cameras come out on top by a wide margin, presumably for occupying the exact opposite market position of the Kodaks.

But that's not why you're here, is it? The headline-making conclusion from OkCupid's report is that if your picture was taken by an Apple iPhone, you probably had significantly more sexual partners in your life than those who subject themselves to the cameras of an Android or BlackBerry phone.

If you believe that, you're holding it wrong
There's a lot of coverage of this tidbit out there, but most of it misses the simple fact that it isn't necessarily the smartphone brand of the subject of the picture that's at issue here, but the model of the phone actually taking the picture. Yes, the model could hand over a phone and ask a picture to be taken, but that's not always the case. Moreover, the "experience" part of this equation is not calculated by some quasi-scientific method, but taken from self-reported user profiles.

When all is said and done, I think we can boil it down to this simple statement: people who use an iPhone to take pictures say that they have sex with more people than others. The sleek design and tender-loving user experience of iPhones mesh well with the traditionally artsy Apple clientele; BlackBerry still equals serious business; Android phones might indicate that you're a certain class of nerd. So this self-reported promiscuity could be a reflection of different lifestyles, or varied honesty levels -- or the attractive power of the gadget itself.

Should you buy an iPhone if you want a better sex life, or are iPhone users just overconfident in their own prowess? Let the flame wars begin in the comments below -- and please, keep it safe for work!

How to Make Swedish Pancakes

2010-08-01T15:59:00.000-04:00

Swedish pancakes are not quite crepes, and my version isn't exactly what you see at IHOP. This recipe was originally taken from the 1973 edition of Husmoderns Köksalmanack and translated into American units of measure. But this is a much refined version of that basic recipe, and I hope you'll find the instructions easier to follow.

Pancakes and the cast-iron skillet from which they were born.

In a medium bowl, combine:

2 eggs
1 cup milk
pinch of salt
2 pinches of sugar (y'know, a bit more than the salt)

The milk is typically 2% or full-fat cow's milk, but the recipe is surprisingly flexible and also works with skim, soy, rice, or lactose-free milk. Condensed milk probably won't cut it, though. For a richer batter ("luxury pancakes," my mother would say), add another egg or two in exchange for some of the milk.

Mix to break up the egg yolks. Then add:

1.5 cups all-purpose flour

Whisk until lump-free. Then whisk in:

1 cup milk
(optional: 2 tbsp melted butter)

Whisk until smooth. Adding half the liquid at a time makes it smoother, faster.

Heat flat skillet until very hot. Cast-iron works best. Nonstick is dangerous because you need high heat, which is bad for Teflon coats.

Spray pan with nonstick butter-flavored spray, or use a dab of butter or margarine in the pan. When in doubt, just use butter. Adding the optional butter above narrows the quality gap between the nonstick spray and dab-o'-butter methods.

Add ladle of batter to pan, then swirl around to get pancake shape. If using cast-iron skillet, handle will be very hot -- remember oven mitt! Leave the pancake smaller than the skillet to make the turning easier, or fill it for circular perfection. Me, I leave flip-friendly margins.

The swirling will reveal imperfections and suggest adjustments.

Add milk if batter is too thick; add flour if too liquid; You're aiming for a consistency like half-and-half, unwhipped heavy cream, or baby formula.
Turn down the heat if batter solidifies before you can swirl it into a circle. Turn it up if the batter refuses to turn solid on you, or if pancakes turn out colorless, crumbly, or mushy.

Spatula-flip when the batter stops glinting like a polished car under the microwave oven's unforgiving light. You want to avoid slattering batter across your stove when turning the pancake!

Remove after another 30 seconds or so, or when steam stops rising from the pan. If the steam turns into black smoke, you're too late. When the pancake catches fire, you're just doing it wrong.

Butter the pan and start again!

Serving suggestions:

Cover with syrup, honey, or sugar; roll up; enjoy.
Fruity alternatives: lingonberry jam, raspberry preserves, fresh blueberries and whipped cream.
Party pancakes work with Nutella spread, peanut butter, or chocolate syrup.
Want sweeter pancakes? Add more sugar and some vanilla extract to the batter. 2 tablespoons cocoa powder completes the picture.
How about savory? Increase the salt to 1/2 teaspoon and omit the sugar. Eat with bacon, sausage, and over-easy eggs.

Want more secrets from the Swedish chef in me? Let me know in the comments below.

Review: How To Train Your Dragon

2010-03-21T13:51:00.000-04:00

Image by Daniel Semper via Flickr

Movies don't have to be terribly original to pack a serious punch. Dreamworks Animation's How To Train Your Dragon is essentially the coming-of-age love story of Happy Feet, only it's told against a backdrop of dragons and vikings instead of penguins. It's also an effective story, told with lots of heart, and endowed with breathtaking visuals. It's a very effective mix, and the movie has also been marketed brilliantly with cunningly crafted trailers shown in all the right venues. This, my friends, will be a deservedly big hit.

It's not all wine and roses, of course. The "vikings" speak Scottish against a Celtic bagpipe soundtrack, which is somewhat offensive to true Scandinavians like myself. Call 'em Highlanders and I'd be happier. Nobody else will care a whit, of course. Dragon benefits greatly from a full-on 3-D treatment, but is butting up against Alice In Wonderland at the opening and Clash Of the Titans at the tail end. That unfortunate squeeze cuts down on this movie's income potential, just as Dragon curtails Alice's profits.

Still, this should be a franchise tentpole in the mold of Shrek for Dreamworks. How To Train Your Dragon is based on a bestselling book which is followed by a whole series of sequels, providing rich soil for the creative team. And I really wouldn't mind seeing more of these bewitching dragons, even if I have to put up with a horde of Scottish vikings.

4.5 out of 5 stars. Lose the celtic-viking confusion and you'd get a clean 5.

A Pale Ghost Writer

2010-03-02T18:03:00.000-05:00

The Ghost Writer has Ewan McGregor doing his finest accidental detective since Obi-Wan in The Phantom Menace. The Scottish star is enjoyable as always, but neither he nor co-stars Pierce Brosnan and Kim Cattrall stand a chance of rescuing the film's paper-thin plot from an ugly demise.

I know, it's cinema legend Roman Polanski directing a story by bestselling thriller author Robert Harris. That should be enough to guarantee a strong story. But the plot is full of glaring holes, the ending is completely implausible, and I found myself not caring one way or another whether Brosnan's central character lived or died. Ghost Writer is a whodunnit thriller where hero McGregor never meant to solve a crime and every clue is delivered by deus ex machina. Even then, the dots never connect.

As much as I wanted to like this movie, Ghost Writer left me disappointed in a lot of people who really should have done better. McGregor nearly gets off the hook for his engaging performance, but he should have turned this script down altogether.

2 stars out of 5, and that's because I'm feeling generous today.

New Moon and 2012: Why Bad Movies Make Good Money

2009-11-19T15:46:00.004-05:00

Image by §atsukiame]Øut for Bløød[ via Flickr

I went to the movies last night. The press screening for The Twilight Saga: New Moon was packed to the rafters with Beatlemania, as women of all ages (but mostly high school and college kids) screamed their approval every time a hunky werewolf or vampire lost his shirt.

The movie is set to make a truckload of money for independent and privately help production studio Summit Entertainment. Executives at 20th Century Fox and MTV Films must be kicking themselves for having the movie rights to Stephenie Meyer's vampiric love story in their hands, only to let the opportunity slip through their fingers. The first Twilight movie collected $384 million in worldwide ticket sales, and this one promises to be even bigger. That's a lot of undead dollars.

The sequel opens up in more theaters than the original installment and also features the kind of midnight opening-day showings you would expect of Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. MovieTickets.com already crowned New Moon as its all-time champion of advance ticket sales, pushing some old Star Wars and Harry Potter releases out of the top spots on that list.

That doesn't necessarily mean that New Moon is a great movie. In fact, it just plain isn't. In some ways, this film is the exact opposite of fellow box office crusher 2012 from Sony's Columbia Pictures: one is a soft teen-romance chick flick with a hint of action while the other is a hardcore special effects extravaganza with a misguided attempt at human emotion, aimed right at the boys.

In other ways, they are exactly the same thing. Both films are poorly constructed yarns with painful flaws outnumbering the enjoyable moments. But they hooks into massive and very dedicated fan bases, and you shouldn't underestimate the spending power of teenage pocket money -- whether in the pockets of males or females. Bad movie but large target demographics equals easy cash. Remember that formula, dear Fool. You will see it again and again.

Building The Ideal Band

2009-11-12T12:21:00.006-05:00

I have given a lot of thought to music lately. It's a central theme in the novel I'm working on for National Novel Writing Month, and I am forcing myself to learn new things about a field I already knew pretty darn well. My hero needed breathing lessons, so I had to take some too. And how do you really describe a singer's voice in words?

In the end, I'm putting a fictional band together. Doing that with entirely fictional characters got me thinking about how I'd do it with real, live rock stars. Without further ado, here's what I came up with.

On drums: Dave Grohl of Nirvana and Foo Fighters fame.

Dave is an amazing drummer but also a great singer, multi-instrumental musician, and song writer. He has a history of collaboration projects, including stints with Tom Petty, Tenacious D, and his new super group Them Crooked Vultures. Plus, he puts on a heck of a show.

Dave Grohl is my idea of the perfect musician, but also seems to be a really decent human being. I would gladly build a band around his solid backbone.

On bass: Mike Mills from R.E.M..

Yeah, I'm starting with the rhythm section, kind of like building a football team around solid offensive and defensive lines. Mike was always the most musically educated member of my favorite band, and his melodic bass lines are the heart and soul of nearly any R.E.M. tune you'd care to mention.

We're getting another triple threat: Mike also plays a fine piano and many more instruments, and has the voice to take the lead from Michael Stipe on occasion. He's also another great collaborator, having worked with Smashing Pumpkins and Mudville. Oh, and he wrote or co-wrote many of R.E.M.'s biggest hits. Starting to see a theme here?

On guitar: We need an axe wielder who can stand up to the raw muscle of Dave Grohl and also match wits and licks with Mike Mills. So who do we call? Hello, Slash!

Okay, Slash isn't known as a great singer and he really is mostly a guitar god, but he does fit our bill on every other level. He knows when to finesse a solo and he knows when to lay it on thick. After co-writing some of the finest cuts in rock history with Guns N' Roses, Slash moved on to two bands all his own as well as collaborations with Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Alice Cooper, and frickin' Michael Jackson. You want a team player? You got a team player -- who also happens to be a living rock legend.

We could stop right there and just let Dave or Mike take the mic. But where's the fun in that? So on lead vocals, I can't help myself -- I need Allison Krauss.

Allison's pure and clear voice has no equal to my ears. She could sing the phone book and have me spellbound. Sure, she's mostly a country girl -- but she has proven her rockin' mettle alongside greats like Robert Plant, Sting, and Phish. She completes a full hand of accomplished song writers and plays a mean fiddle.

With Allison Krauss on lead vocals and two lead-singer candidates backing her up, the sonic explosion should be legendary. Every band member can contribute to the song list, and they are all accomplished wizards of the recording studio and mixer board. The technical skills are beyond reproach, and so is the musicianship all around. I would pay good money to hear this band, no questions asked.

I don't think you could come up with a better quartet yourself, but the comments box is dying to see you try. Good luck!

Win 7 Upgrades for Everyone!

2009-10-14T06:43:00.004-04:00

I bought a new laptop last week. This is the first time I use Windows Vista, and I hate every minute of it. And my computer didn't come with any upgrade vouchers.

But a little bit of research soon showed that my Samsung R620 certainly does qualify for a free Windows 7 upgrade. Microsoft actually keeps a list of manufacturers who offer Win 7 upgrades, and Samsung is there. Sweet!

So if you think you're stuck with Vista on your brand-spanking-new computer, don't panic until after you check out the list. If your make/model isn't in there, feel free to despair.

Bad Love in 30 Songs Or Less

2009-09-18T15:03:00.009-04:00

Synopsis of the story thread follows after the playlist:

Horrible Love Story

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
You start the pursuit of a partner way out of your league. If you get her, you'd have no idea what to do with the catch.

Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road
Will you become just another boy screaming her name over the rags of her graduation gown?

R.E.M. - (Don't Go Back to) Rockville
Something better happen soon or it'll be too late.

Eric Clapton - Layla
Down on your knees, boy. This is obsession.

Dusty Springfield - You Don't Have to Say You Love Me
... just let me hang around, okay?

KT Tunstall - Black Horse and the Cherry Tree
The girl doesn't even want to fall in love.

Santana - Black Magic Woman
But she's got an evil hold of your heart.

Offspring - Self Esteem
Yes, even when she sleeps with your friends. Wait, what?

Rod Stewart - First Cut is the Deepest
The beginning of the end.

Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet
Could we just give this one more shot?

Nirvana - Where Did You Sleep Last Night?
Do I really want to know?

Sublime - Santeria
Daddy's got a new .45! Believe me when I say that I've got something for his punkass!

Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
Okay, so this is goodbye.

The Beatles - Ticket to Ride
Going, going ...

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Tuesday's Gone
... gone.

Radiohead - High and Dry
The best thing that I've ever had has gone away.

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover
Didn't we almost have it all?

Alanis Morrissette - You Oughta Know
Forget about stages of grief -- I'm just furious.

Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
Hope you had a good time breaking my heart, honey.

Kelly Clarkson - Because of You
The hurt runs deep.

Counting Crows - Anna Begins
And then she begins to fade away.

The Pretenders - Chill Factor
Poor girl, really. See if I care.

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah
Love is not a victory march - it's cold and it's broken.

Hinder - Lips of an Angel
What if I run into her again?

Beautiful South - Don't Marry Her
Fine -- let's just go play the field again!

Tom Petty - Refugee
And it doesn't matter to me how much you are hurting.

Bob Dylan - Things Have Changed
I used to care, but ... things have changed.

Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock - Picture
Light at the end of the long, dark tunnel?

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs

2009-09-15T15:30:00.006-04:00

Image by Jeff Cushner via Flickr

The book Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs by Judi and Ron Barrett has been a grade-school favorite since its publication in 1982. Now it's an animated movie, and I've got some good and bad news for fans of the book:

The bad: The movie version is very, very, very different from the book.
The good: You will probably love the movie too, just for different reasons.

Many of the changes simply adapt the material to the film medium, and to modern sensibilities. In the book, it;s a grandpa telling tall tales about food storms. There's no hero, no girl to get, and no plot. That's fine for a bedtime story, but wouldn't make for a very interesting film.

In the movie version, we get to see why it's raining hot dogs and pizza. It's a cookie-cutter plot superimposed on the town of Chewandswallow from the book -- the hero changes the weather, falls in love, and then has to fix the huge mess he made. So far, so bad, right?

But here's the thing: from script to post-production, the people who made the movie love it and dare to go all the way with every wacky idea. If this was Shrek, you'd see the spray-on shoes joke exactly once, and the whole thing would be a cavalcade of throwaway pop-culture jokes. In Meatballs, every one of the potentially one-off jokes becomes a running gag with real importance to the plot.

I loved all the in-jokes and references to movie history, and my kids were laughing at the rat-birds and food fights. I would love to see sequels built around inventor Flint Lockwood. That franchise wouldn't build on the Barrett's only follow-up, but could grow into a pop culture phenomenon all its own. And that's just fine by me.

5 easy stars on a five-star scale!

How to Find a Poetry Market

2009-09-09T12:29:00.006-04:00

Cover of Walking to Martha's Vineyard

Aspiring poets need to find markets that would publish the fruits of our loving labor. Here's one trick:

Go to the library, your bookshelf, or a bookstore. Pick up a recent-ish volume of poetry where the material isn't too different from your own. Then skim the front and back matter for a list of acknowledgements.

For example, the Pulitzer Prize-winning collection Walking to Martha's Vineyard by Franz Wright was published in 2005 and it contains a single page of acknowledgements. Wright thanks a number of publications for publishing the peoms that ended up in this book:

Can we have our ball back
Field
Gulf Coast
Long Shot
nowCulture
Perihelion
Salmagundi
Slope
The New Yorker

Now, we hit the Web with searches like (perihelion poetry) and ("Gulf Coast" poetry). As it turns out, a couple of these publications have closed down entirely, and others no longer accept new submissions. Bummer. How can you tell? Some journals post a final "goodbye" and others just freeze up. Can we have our ball back was last updated three years ago, so it's a safe bet that the submission window has closed.

But a select handful are open for business and have proper submission guidelines posted on the Web. The links above go directly to those guidelines for your convenience.

So there you have it -- a short list of poetry fora that are actively accepting submissions and may appreciate my voice.

Have any other market-finding tricks to share? Please let me know in the Comments below.

How To Write A Song

2009-08-26T20:55:00.005-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

Methods of songwriting are surely as plentiful and varied as the leaves on the streets of Boston in the fall. Here's yet another -- several, in fact.

Step 1: pick an existing song. It could be Itsy Bitsy Spider or Bohemian Rhapsody; New York, New York or I Gotta Feeling -- it really doesn't matter. Whatever inspires you is fair game, regardless of genre, tempo, style, or age.

Step 2: write your own lyrics to that song. You can reimagine the message you see in the original version. You could take off on a tangent from some poignant line that pushes your buttons. Or, of course, you could throw the whole original out and start over. Your source will provide you with a rhythmic framework, like the sonnet form's iambic pentameter guided Shakespeare. You have that framework. Now cover it in fresh words.

Many songwriters stop right there. Some of the greatest songs ever written are little more than a fresh take on an old melody. That's okay. But you can go further, too.

Step 3, in that case, is the reverse of step 2. Now you have your lyrics. Then throw out the old melody and sing those words to a new tune. Or, if you're more of a lyricist than a musician anyway, this is where you hand your lyrics over to a melody writer, or submit your material to a lyrics writing contest, or what have you. Sure, you wrote those words to fit a specific cadence, rhythm, and melody. But that doesn't mean that you can't find an even better musical stage on which those words can shine. And, if you come up with both lyrics and melody, you don't have to worry about who owns the copyright to Itsy Bitsy Spider. It's your own song now.

If you decide to try this method out, I'd be very excited to hear -- or at least read -- what you came up with. Drop me a line at bylund AT gmail.com, or use the comments box below.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

2009-08-12T11:06:00.005-04:00

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Some directors push the envelope of good taste in a desperate attempt to snag the young male demographic. That never works. Exhibit A: The Ugly Truth.

Others simply take their jokes to the next level in a fearless cavalcade of T, A, and insults. It works, because it's funny.

Goods star Jeremy Piven may be interchangeable with Truth stud Gerard Butler, but they're working with vastly different material. Butler's film was formulaic and tedious, and the R-rated bits felt forced. Piven and his supporting cast -- yes, this is a one-man vehicle -- simply goes way over the top with every joke in a simple story.

This is Animal House on a used car lot. It's funny and smart, and not PC at all.

Stay home if you're thin-skinned. This movie serves up insults to everybody, whether you're a woman or a man, Asian or black, war veteran or nerdy musician. No punches are pulled, ever.

When The Goods hits the DVD market, I expect it to be a cult favorite at frats and bachelor parties. It's perfect fare for a night of beer and Buffalo wings with the guys.

Epic Rock

2009-08-09T15:20:00.009-04:00

Have you noticed how many of the finest rock songs ever written are more than just straight-up rock?

I've put together a little playlist with some of the best examples of this phenomenon I could think of, and I'm happy to explain exactly what I mean -- track by track:

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

It's opera. It's folk rock. It's heavy metal. It's so much more. Not only that, but Freddie Mercury and the gang deliver great examples of every style they touch here. Bohemian Rhapsody is the archetype of what I mean by "epic rock."

Derek and the Dominos - Layla

Eric Clapton's hardcore guitar duel with Duane Allman segues into a sentimental piano ballad, capped with a chirping slide guitar. One of the greatest love songs, and Clapton did get the girl -- at least for a while.

Heart - Crazy On You

The acoustic guitar intro is a classic on its own, and then the real song begins. The Wilson sisters move with ease through hard and soft, raucous and slow, desperate and passionate rock.

Wings - Band On the Run

This song starts out slow and traditional, but then goes through two snapping breaks and becomes the kind of anthem you'll scream at the top of your lungs after about six beers.

Metallica - One

Now we're really rocking. No band has mastered the art of epic rock like Metallica, where nearly every song is a study in contrasts. This anti-war missive is more nuanced than most, though.

Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Thunder Road doesn't do sharp style breaks, but still manages to somehow transform from a gentle ballad to a heartbreaking stadium rocker. You could build a career on trying to copy this song over and over.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird

Like Band On the Run, Free Bird starts slow but takes a drastic turn into blistering rock. I can't help but whistling along with those legendary guitar riffs -- no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

Fleetwood Mac - The Chain

Not too many rock standards started with a bass riff, but that's what Fleetwood Mac did here. Take one John McVie bass groove, add one unfinished Stevie Nicks lament over endless love unrequited, and wrap the whole package in the layered backing of an all-star band for the ages. This is what you get.

Pink Floyd - Time

Parts of this song aren't even music. That's not a bad thing.

The Who - Baba O'Riley

Lead-heavy guitar rock. Irish folk fiddle. And in the background of this glorious style contrast, there's the incessant melodic tapping of early electronica. What's not to love?

Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells

Most people recognize the eerie intro from The Exorcist. Beyond that, Oldfield plays everything from Bossa Nova to Russian folk on a variety of guitars, glockenspiel, pipe organ, and the eponymous tubular bells. It's in two pieces because you had to flip the LP over at some point, or else I imagine Oldfield would have simply filled an entire CD with one song. You want epic? You want Tubular Bells.

I probably missed your favorite epic rock anthem. Tell me off in the comments box below.

Superb Submission Missives

2009-08-08T08:45:00.006-04:00

Image by Aaron Gustafson via Flickr


These are a few of my favorite freelance submission guidelines from magazines and journals. Some are witty. Others are refreshingly honest. And how often do you see a magazine giving you a list of articles on which to model yours?
N+1
We will do our best to answer all queries, but if you don't hear back from us within 6 weeks, assume the worst.

The Believer
The Believer invites correspondence from one and all, give or take.

The Sun Magazine
Please, no journalistic features, academic works, or opinion pieces. Other than that, we're open to just about anything. Surprise us; we often don't know what we'll like until we read it.

Narrative Magazine
We want writers to have every possible opportunity for success, so we're willing to risk losing a story we want when someone at another magazine may have done their reading before we have, and in that case we'll be sorry to lose the piece but happy for the writer.

Sierra Magazine
Examples of feature articles that display the special qualities we look for include Daniel Duane's "Savoring Wild Salmon" (May/June 2008); Paul Rauber's "Life in Abundance" and Matthew Taylor's "Burned Out on Burning Man" (July/August 2008); and Tomas Alex Tizon's "Rotten Fish Tales" and Debra Jones's "Six-Dog-Power Engine" (November/December 2008).

The Pedestal Magazine
We are currently accepting submissions of slam, spoken word, poetry with music, and performance poetry. For this category, we are not interested in "straight" or "traditional" readings of poems.

The Ugly Truth

2009-07-22T16:05:00.004-04:00

Image by therozblog via Flickr

So you've been waiting to see The Ugly Truth since you heard that 300 frontman Gerard Butler would put the moves on Katherine Heigl from Grey's Anatomy? Go ahead. I won't stop you.

I know your type: you're in love with romantic comedies and snide dialogue, and you can stand the occasional dirty joke. You'll get exactly what you wanted. Screenwriters Kirsten Smith and Karen McCullough shared screenplay duties on Legally Blonde, 10 Things I Hate About You, and The House Bunny, after all, and they execute a similar formula again to near-perfection.

But be prepared for more than the usual dose of hits below the belt. Heigl's control-freak character performs a close-up inspection of a prospective date's most intimate parts before they're properly introduced. A remote-control vibrator scene in a crowded restaurant smacks of When Harry Met Sally on speed. And hey, why not throw in a lengthy sequence of four-letter words, just to show that little miss prude can party, too?

The Ugly Truth feels like The 40-year Old Virgin on estrogen, or like The Hangover without the violence. That's not necessarily a bad thing -- there are plenty of belly laughs to be had at Heigl's expense, and the movie ends on a visually stunning note among the clouds. Just don't expect this film to break any new ground. And leave the kids at home.

Further reading:

Feel the Earth Move -- With Google

2009-07-09T09:50:00.003-04:00

Okay, Google can still surprise me.

I was curious about the history of earthquakes in California, so a quick search for "san francisco earthquake" made sense. A simple list of the usual results -- Wikipedia, some newspaper articles, USGS data, and so on -- would have satisfied. But to my surprise, I also got a live feed of recent quakes in and around California, with direct links to relevant information all mapped out.

I'd expect something like this from an iPhone or Android app, or a third-party mashup somewhere. Wolfram|Alpha, anyone? But Google stepped up with vital, recent, relevant info where I expected none. And this comes from an online veteran with a sixth-degree black belt in Google-Fu. Wonders never cease.

Digging In Your Own Old Dirt

2009-07-06T15:15:00.003-04:00

So I was digging through some old papers today, and came across a bundle of lecture notes from college. One page of publishing business notes struck me as particularly useful today, and I wanted to find out what happened to my instructor that day. Problem was, I could remember her face but not her name.

So what to do? Of course, the English department at FSU was no help -- this professor has flow the coop years ago, and the Web site doesn't list emeritae. So it's the Wayback Machine to the rescue!

A quick search dug up old, old links to the Creative Writing program's home page. The archive stretched back to the mid-1990s, which was all I needed. A copy of that home page from early 1998, just before I walked Magna Cum Laude, led to a handy faculty list, with just enough clues to help me ferret out the name I needed. Dr. Janet Burroway, I will never forget that ultra-cool Cambridge robe you wore on graduation day!

A couple of Google clicks later, and I have my professor's home page with contact info, and updated bio, and everything I could ask for. Score one for the Wayback Wanderer!

Gathering Darkness

2009-07-02T17:40:00.001-04:00

Gathering Darkness¹

Chapter 1

Duke Charles of Staffordshire halted his steed and removed his great eagle-crested helmet². The battlefield lay still and calm around him, silent save for the moans of pain from the wounded and the dying. All of his enemies were either dead or dying, not counting a handful who fled. Undoubtedly to bring news of their defeat to their general and to get reinforcements.

It was no easy victory, though. Of the Duke's once proud army, only a handful of men remained. There were now about fifty men left, most on foot, but ten or twelve cavallerists³ still were in fighting condition. These included sir Michael Stackpole⁴, the famous knight with his characteristic blue and white shield, emblazoned with a golden griffon,and Jaques Remeaur, the French wizard with the fiery disposition.

Sir Michael dismounted and kneeled beside a dead enemy soldier. After a few moments he shouted for sir Charles to come and have a look, which he did.

-"Chaotics⁵," he said, pointing at an eight-pointed star on the fallen warrior's black armour.

-"Yes, my lord," sir Michael replied. "But they have never been sighted in Britain! Something terrible must have happened if they suddenly arrive in such numbers⁶." He hesitated for a moment, then continued:

"And all the while I think that this was just a small part of their might. So why didn't they wait for reinforcements before attacking us?"

-"Arrogance!" snapped the wizard angrily. "They thought we'd be easy. But now they're warned, and no general makes the same mistake twice in a row."

-"True," said the Duke and remounted his stallion, accepting a lance taken from a slain English knight instead of his own splintered and broken one. "Now, we have to warn the King⁷."

Chapter 2

The twelve battle-scarred men on their great stallions travelled fast. Speed was of the essence, and they knew it; that was why the infantry had been set under Captain Burns' command, on guard duty at the border between Staffordshire and Clwyd, the Welsh dukedom from which the attack originated⁸. That was a hopeless mission, but still one that had to be pursued.

-"I don't like this," said sir Michael. "It's too easy. We've been going for five hours now, and still no resistance."

-"Calm down, sir," replied one of the knights. "We're riding east and they came from the west. Surely they must have a hard time catching us then, don't you think?"⁹

-"You're probably right." Sir Michael sighed and smiled at the knight. "But it's still too easy."

The duke turned to the wizard and asked if he couldn't gaze into a crystal ball or something and tell something about the road ahead, but only received a sneer for an answer.

-"Like I was some kind of charlatan or street illusionist," Jaques muttered and shot a dark gaze at sir Charles. He thought a bit of going home to France, leaving those ignorant, teadrinking barbarians behind, but his thoughts were interrupted by a battlecry and the sound of eleven lances being levelled and locked in their rests.¹⁰ Two hundred yards away stood perhaps thirty warriors in black and red armour¹¹, brandishing axes, swords and great maces. As the knights charged forward, the Frenchman trotted slowly after them with a definite feeling that something was going to go terribly wrong.

Chapter 3

The flower of British chivalry crashed into the massed ranks of heavily armoured warriors like a great wave hits the shore. Several of the footmen fell, impaled on the heavy lances, but some managed to avoid them and struck back like frenzied beasts. A bitter close combat ensued, and the knights dropped their clumsy lances and drew their longswords instead.

Jaques could see that his comrades would win easily, and he therefore decided he had time enough to survey the surroundings. The fighting took place on the road, with a lush forest to the right and row upon row of low, rolling hills on the left. Behind him, he saw quite a similar scenery, except that the forest was less dense. Quite a perfect place in which to stage an ambush. Well, he thought, let's not give them the chance, shall we? He invoked a word of power, and he and his horse rose slowly and majestically into the air, robe and barding fluttering in the breeze. The hills seemed safe and devoid of enemies, but he had to rise higher to peer into the woods. A gesture and a soft-spoken command accomplished that, and what he saw almost made him lose control over his levitation spell.¹²

-"Sir Charles! SIR CHARLES! GO FOR ZE HILLS!"¹³ he shouted and sent a bright red ball of roaring flame straight for the woods. Jaques didn't linger to watch it hit, though.

Chapter 4

Sir Charles impaled another massive warrior with his longsword, withdrew it from the twitching, dying man, leaving behind a deep wound. Then he turned his steed¹⁴ towards the hills, dug his heels into its flanks and shouted for his men to follow. He had known the wizard long enough to trust in his advice. A quick glance over one shoulder told him that his loyal knights followed hot on his heels, but no sign of some great army or powerful monster was visible in the forest. He halted on a hilltop to reform his forces and to wait for Jaques, watching the woods closely for the announced danger. As the wizard hurried past them over their heads, screaming and shouting and cursing in French¹⁵, the trees started to part before suddenly breaking like matches, sending splinters flying all around.

-"What the ..." the duke gasped when the surviving black-and-red marauders kneeled¹⁶ and paid homage to the being that had emerged from the forest. The problem was that sir Charles didn't see any being¹⁷ ...

Chapter 5

For a moment all was still. Neither the chaotics nor the Englishmen moved, and even the soft western breeze that had been blowing calmed down into nothingness. It was like England itself held its breath in excitement. Then Jaques cast a spell that lifted the veils of ignorance¹⁸ from the eyes of the knights, thereby allowing them to see what is hidden from normal sight, and upon seeing the subject of the evil men's worship, one knight fainted dead away, while another went mad and started to draw small circles in the grass with his finger, shouting "Suppertime! Time to eat!"¹⁹

It was a toad the size of an elephant and the colour of pus from an infected belly wound. No head topped off the unholy creation; instead, there were thousands of blasphemous tentacles in a slightly more diabolic shade of that horrible colour, each wriggling and grasping for thin air as if they had a life of their very own. Some of the tentacles ended in a bright red eye with an oval pupil, black enough to make midnight in a dungeon look pleasant. All of the abnormally unblinking eyes were fixed upon the British knights. Then, somehow, from some bodily orifice, it let out a long, undulating howl that soon, with unabated horridity, evolved into a great, hellish roar that sounded like a god being tortured by millions of devils and demons²⁰. Then it fell silent for but a moment before lurching forward, squelching a couple of insane, black-and-red-armoured warriors beneath its huge webbed feet. The flower of British chivalry²¹ took one look at it and fled as fast as they could.

Chapter 6

Now let's have a quick break and take a look at the situation²². The scenery is as follows: a well-used road leads from east to west, skimming the edge of a lush forest. North of the road, we see a stretch of hills and hillocks, marching in uneven ranks and files towards the horizon. The sky is overcast with apparently no hopes of sunshine until tomorrow, and the air is dense, almost palpable, like it usually is before a great thunderstorm. A handful of British knights are presently digging their heels into the flanks of their horses, galloping north as fast as possible. Ahead of them and a few yards above as well, a wizard clad in crimson robes flies on his horse²³.

The woods are divided by a long line of broken and fallen trees, about ten feet wide, and the reason for this destruction is currently climbing the nearest hill in long, slow-seeming leaps; the thing that almost defies description is large, slimy and sanity-blasting to behold, and a plethora of dark warriors follows in its wake. On the hilltop we notice two men²⁴, both doomed to an imminent and ghastly fate, but none of them knowing it. One is unconscious and the other is insane, driven over the edge by the events of the latest ten heartbeats.

Things look dire for our heroes.

Chapter 7

The duke glanced quickly over his shoulder in the midst of the wild flight. He saw the creature stop for a few moments to claim the souls of the two horrorstruck knights, but when it resumed its jumping it was clear that it was a little faster than the British warhorses.

-"Wizard! Can't you do anything, for Christ's sake?" he roared in desperation.

-"My fireballs are of little use against …"²⁵

-"I mean DISPEL IT or something! For the love of God, man, I've seen you do such things before!"²⁶

-"Normal demons, yes, but a Gorhoth … C'est impossible!"

-"No! You must do it, or we are surely doomed! Doomed, I say!"²⁷

The red-robed wizard said nothing, just lowered his horse to the ground to allow it to run by itself²⁸. He himself remained in the air. He floated higher and higher, slowly spinning to face backwards when he had ascended enough.

Jaques saw the monster draw closer by the second, and he realized the truth in sir Charles' words. But it was so big! For a moment he thought of his own painful demise, but that raised his infamous hot tempers above and beyond anything he had ever experienced before. He pushed his doubts aside, raised his arms and began to chant. No big frog would dare to harm Jaques Remeaur!²⁹

Chapter 8

-"Perdo vim, perdo animál, creo ignem! Parma magica ad mithas sodalitis et consortis, cértamen Gorhoth! Perdo! Perdo!"³⁰

The wizard plunged his left hand into a small pouch as he chanted, and withdrew it clutching a handful of small, glowing rocks. His other hand traced intricate patterns in the air with firm, bold strokes. A circle of blue and white witch-fire formed in front of Jaques, and the air within it began to emit a disgusting smell.³¹

Jaques spun to face the quickly approaching demon, and when his circle completely encompassed the image of the creature, he dropped all of his inherent inhibitions³² and let fly his spell.

With a great cry, he tossed his little rocks through the circle, made a cutting motion with his right hand and focused his entire mind and body on the effort of tossing that spawn of Hell back to its home in the middle echelons.

The pebbles blinked out of existence, and the demon suddenly found itself surrounded by a golden net of energy that quickly constricted around it. Where the net touched the demon's flesh, clouds of yellow, sulphurous smoke arose, and the net fastened itself to the abomination's skin.

Jaques' heart filled with pride and eagerness when he saw that his spell really seemed to work. The net was soon completely engrailed³³ in the Gorhoth's hellish hide, obscuring it in thick clouds of putrid vapors, searing its flesh and hindering its movements, The Gorhoth wailed in pain and frustration, and its mortal followers, seeing their god be defeated³⁴, turned and ran for the woods.

It was time to finish the spell.

Chapter 9

Jaques Remeaur initiated the last stage of his spell. Beads of sweat streamed down his forehead as his mind made contact with the demon's, each of them trying to destroy the other. The Gorhoth was already weakened, thanks to the energy net, and Jaques was very strong-willed, but even so it was an even struggle.

The evil creature bellowed out its anguish and frustration. In all its six millennia it had never been challenged like this, neither by humans, nor demons, nor faeries. The Frenchman, however, had gone through this countless times, albeit versus lesser demons.³⁵

Slowly, painfully, he pushed the Gorhoth back, paying for every inch with his own life force. It made a last, desperate surge, powered by all its hate, malice and fear of death, but that was countered at the last moment by a wave of pure, fiery magical power.³⁶ Jaques would win, and he knew it.

-"Listen! It roars!" The duke slowed his horse down, eventually coming to a halt, and twisted backwards in the saddle. He saw his allied wizard float in the air, seemingly unharmed.

-"Jaques seems to win!"³⁷

A ragged cheer rose from the handful of British warriors. Sir Michael, always the sensible one, cut off their manifestation of joy and spoke.

-"He's obviously not done with it as yet, and we all know that magic is a fickle force. I say we wait for a little while before celebrating the victory!"

A great bellow rolled across the landscape, followed by the wizard wincing from pain, and then silence, stillness, motionlessness.³⁸
And then a tremendous explosion shook the very earth beneath the horses, an intense, white flash of light blinded all who beheld it, and Jaques Remeaur came hurtling through the air at a great speed, unconscious.

To be continued?

Teacher's note: "What will your future be like? Professional writer?"

1This story was written in weekly installments in the spring of 1994. Transcribed from longhand and annotated by the author, 15 years later. No edits of any kind.

2Not a bad opening sentence!

3Oh lord ...

4Pop culture points if you know that name ...

5…
and for naming the fantasy universe I'm stealing
from here.

6There'll
be lots of clumsy English like this. I was 18, okay, and English is
my second language.

7And
thus we have a quest. Rock on!

8Behold
my love of long, convoluted sentences. This is but a gentle
introduction to that heinous practice.

9Such
a helpful lad. This guy deserves a name.

10Alright,
time for action!

11Khorne!

12Paragraph
breaks? Dialogue? White space? All clearly overrated.

13Can't
believe I used that stereotype.

14Always
a "steed" or "stallion" with this guy, never a
plain old horse.

15I'd
pay to see the movie version.

16Yeah,
"knelt." Like we said, no edits.

17More
likely, the author didn't particularly feel like coming up with a
monster this week.

18
Stupid English ke-niggets!

19I
like this guy. Let's hope he's not the helpful dude from Chapter 2.

20Yup,
I was reading a lot of H.P. Lovecraft at the time. Iä!
Iä! Cthulhu phtagn!

21Again.

22I still love these intermezzos. Sorry! Also note the switch to present tense in this chapter only. Advanced storytelling technique, indeed.

23Do you get the mental image?

24Who the heck are "we" here?

25So far, so good.

26… and then it goes from cheesy to pathetic in a
flash.

27This line is a train wreck. That's why I love it.

28How kind of him.

29You gotta motivate the heroes to superhuman deeds somehow, right?

30Ars Magica, how I've missed you. The fake-Latin is supposed to mean something like this (but doesn't even come close): "Destroy magic, destroy animal, create fire! I dispell thee, back to the peers and brothers of the Gorhoth! Destroy! Destroy!"

31I'd
just like to know what kind of nasty smell, but otherwise, not too shabby.

32Meh?

33Fancy!

34
Possibly the worst of my Swenglish errors.

35I guess Jaques (hold the c) is pretty special, ain't he?

36And so we can avoid any actual description.

37Good grief, Charlie Brown!

38Motionlessness is a real word, just a clumsy one.

Dive Into A Sea of MS Blogs

2009-07-02T09:35:00.002-04:00

@LisaEmrich keeps a fabulous list of blogs about living with Multiple Sclerosis. It's a great place to go if you feel lonely or limited today, or just looking for some kindred spirits.

You Are What You Eat

2009-06-25T11:15:00.007-04:00

... so this is me (and my family), then (click for a high-resolution view of my kitchen's inner sanctum):

Just adding one small voice to Mark Menjivar's You Are What You Eat project, as shown on Next Nature. Mark spent three years taking pictures of people's fridge contents and documenting their lives. The fixed-income street advertiser and the all-night bartender fridges are certainly food for thought.

Google Paranoia

2009-06-25T07:51:00.007-04:00

An oldie but goodie from NY Times, predicting what Google might search tomorrow. Notice the cheerful pair of buttons: "I'm Feeling Lucky" or "I'm Feeling Paranoid."

Is Google becoming Big Brother? And if so, is that necessarily a bad thing? Thanks to my librarian schooling, I kind of like the idea of being able to search anything, anytime, for any reason. Just means it's up to me not to gather too many skeletons in my closet. The idea reminds me of Arthur C. Clarke and Stephen Baxter's Light of Other Days, where nothing is secret or ever will be again.

Does an omniscient Google scare or excite you? Post a comment and let me know!

Disclosure: Anders owns shares in Google.

5 Paranoid Tunes

2009-06-23T20:39:00.001-04:00

When the whole world just seems out to get you ...

We Need More Guitar Solos!

2009-06-18T20:31:00.003-04:00

There was a time when no self-respecting rock song was complete without a decent guitar solo. Whethe it was a one-note Neil Young piece, twelve minutes of Dave Gilmour fighting of a strings-and-synthesizer carpet-bombing, or a kick in the gut from Tony Iommi, you had to have one.

Those days are long gone. Nowadays, it's just a pleasant surprise to find good axe work in popular music, as soloists seems to have been pushed to the fringes of Western culture.

That's just not right. Bruce Springsteen got this guitar and he learned how to make it talk. Guitar George was strictly rhythm, he didn't want to make it cry or sing. There's an entire language hidden in that Les Paul or Strat, and we need to hear a lot more of it -- before we forget.

I wish I had the skills to contribute to the cause, but alas, I'm like Guitar George. Let me settle for simply listening to anything made by a great freatboard artist. Rock out.

----------------
Now playing: Sublime - Santeria
via FoxyTunes

The Best Business Model Is Out Of Reach

2009-06-17T17:01:00.001-04:00

"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous," said controversial science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard in the 1940s. "If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."

So, he did. And I can't blame the man. No matter what the Scientology movement did to Tom Cruise's career, or how outlandish its mythology might seem, there is little doubt that Hubbard made out like a bandit from his supposedly religious endeavors. If I had the choice, every stock in my portfolio would sport the advantages of a religious organization:

Automatic respect. Okay, not exactly "automatic," but close enough for any practical purpose. We may live in a litigious society, but it takes some extraordinary chutzpah to sling baseless accusations or lawsuits against a well-respected religious leader or his congregation. Building a Wal-Mart in a formerly serene grass plain may raise eyebrows and community protests. But build a church in the same spot, and the protests won't ring nearly as loud.

And this segues into ...
Passionate followers. Nobody really thinks that Steve Jobs is a divine power. (Right?) It's very hard to imagine a company with more fanatical customers than Apple. Yet even Steve's fan club can't hold a candle to the typical temple. "Evangelism" is a business term, but nobody can spread a message like a centralized religion and all its preachers and practitioners.

Finally, don't forget about the ...
Awesome tax benefits. Uncle Sam wouldn't dare to dip his fingers very deep in the till of any church, synagogue, mosque, or tabernacle. Microsoft paid more than $6 billion in corporate income taxes last year. Wouldn't Steve Ballmer jump for joy if he could simply slap away the long fingers of the IRS?

Get me some of that action!
So I wish I could invest in companies with those advantages. Unfortunately, the tax code stipulates that only non-profits get those tax breaks, religious in nature or not. Public companies prefer to make a profit. Moreover, that sheen of high esteem you see around rabbis and imams wouldn't look as golden to the community, if they were driving stretch Cadillacs and sporting 24-carat bling on every finger. So running a religious for profit is not on the table, leaving investors out of luck.

General Electric Plays General Hospital

2009-06-17T16:45:00.002-04:00

The doctor is in. And he'll have easy access to your medical history. Thank goodness!

I'm talking about General Electric. The good doctor is putting $100 million of interest-free funds from its GE Capital arm into the hands of healthcare providers around the country. The idea is to spread the use of electronic health records as fast as possible, for the benefit of everyone.

Doctors and primary care centers will win because GE gives them a low-risk and low-cost way to move into the future of health records management. Patients win when we can go from one doctor to another with a battery of medical tests along the way -- and every provider will know my story so far. No more unnecessary duplicate tests, no missing information, and probably fewer forms to fill out in every new waiting room.

And of course, GE won't go empty-handed from this philanthropic exchange. Most, if not all, of these funds will turn around and be reinvested in GE's own medical record-keeping systems. The company also wants to help its customers meet the as-yet uncertain requirements for more funding under President Obama's HITECH Act. So GE is really dipping a finger into the federal stimulus till here. Everybody goes home happy.

The industry is awash in electronic medical history tools from every corner of Silicon Valley and beyond. Google has a good-looking information-doling service with well-respected partners including CVS (NYSE: CVS), the Cleveland Clinic, and Quest Diagnostics. Microsoft's HealthVault can boast the Mayo Clinic among its data providers.

Heck, even networking expert Cisco Systems is fighting to rescue our medical histories from "disconnected information systems using incompatible formats and disparate medical terminology" through its Medical Data Exchange Solution platform. All of the big boys of technology seem to have skin in this game.

Not a moment too soon, either. The technology is maturing just as the Greatest Generation is picking out golf clubs and Floridian condos. Perfect timing, I say. On a personal level, I have to deal with a lot of doctors and test services these days, and would love to see them simply exchanging digital information behind the scenes. It's too easy to forget some vital test reading or MRI film when heading out the door.

There will probably be industry standards at some point, and then the pacesetters get to collect license fees as everyone else converts to those protocols. My money is on Google, because nobody handles information better than Big G. But all of these services should end up making money before it's all said and done.

(Disclosure: Anders owns shares of Google. Don't worry, he's not dying -- just severely inconvenienced by Multiple Sclerosis.)